lost heartbeat

As mid-May showers were full of snow at Aunt Nellie’s funeral (our 3rd family funeral in a few short months), the designer and I realized that 2011 for us, was growing a theme: a year in death.  5 months later, it continues.

Loss.  Whether it was a best friend who moved away, a lost student body election, a rejection letter from a favorite school, defeat in a big game, not making the cut on a desired team or production, the job a heart really desired, or perhaps the building lot that received a stronger bid…

…Loss is not easy, and ultimately, it will either make us or break us…bring us closer as a couple, friends, and family…or pull us apart.

As I drove home from a seemingly never-ending day at the hospital, I realized, through my pain and uncontrollable tears, that the loss of our baby will bring many blessings if we will welcome and embrace them.

empathy – Over the years, it has become  increasingly harder to hear friends and family share the loss of a child.  Feelings of guilt raked my soul as I realized that we had been blessed with three pregnancies with optimal outcomes.  When offering my condolences, at times, they almost seemed trite as I truly did not understand what these women, couples, and families were feeling and experiencing.  It seemed that no amount of LOVE, tears, or thoughtfulness deserved to remove an edge of the pain.  I’m grateful for the many who have already carried us: friends, family, complete strangers, those who understood the pain, and the love of others who didn’t understand, but still brought us solace.  No, I’m not a breast-cancer survivor, but I pray for the opportunity aid and heal others with this newly found empathy.

{For any of us feeling alone or forgotten, complete empathy can truly be found.}

hopeAll the 3 year-old explorer could say through his sweet tiny tears, was that he wanted to go to the hospital and feed his baby. Yes, they each took it hard, but as we explained that we would try again, their faces lit up with hope and love for a future sibling.

cleaveNo doubt, loss throughout our marriage has truly brought the designer and I closer. We’ve sat for hours talking & sharing our desires, disappointment, pain, and sorrow.  In these deepest moments of loss, I find that we cleave just as we should as husband and wife: single thoughts and actions, no worldly distractions or noise, (as we call it), can penetrate the bubble of love we have for one another and our children.

{to my unmarried siblings, cousins, and friends: marry someone you want to struggle and grow with…}

plan & humility – The designer confusedly explained the irony in our first attempt at planned parenthood.  Our three freebies reminded us that there is a plan for our family and that our humility in accepting and embracing His plan for our family will result in more happiness and joy.

joyOne of the greatest blessings in loss is looking around at the treasures we already have.  I’m so grateful for the opportunity to be a wife and mother, grateful for our 3 children and the joy and excitement they bring into our lives everyday.

To anyone out there who has joined our year theme of death or loss in 2011, (whether great or small), we offer our sincerest condolences and our deepest love and thoughts to each and every one of you.  May you find these difficult times as an opportunity for growth, hope, and future joy.

much luv,

the designer, the artist, the builder, the dancer, & the explorer 

ps. One of the designer’s favorite songs of all time: Lost by Coldplay…sounds particularly beautiful today…

pss. A drive in the mountains to see the colors and beauty were very healing.  🙂

17 thoughts on “lost heartbeat

  1. My heart goes out to you and your family at this time. I also want to thank you for your blog. I have not had the pleasure of meeting you in person but your comments, your art, and the love you give your family has brightened my days. Thanks – and best wishes.

    • Michelle, thank you so much for your beautiful comments. And thx for linking to your website. You have incredible talent…I look forward to seeing more of your wall art as well as your fine art. xo

    • thx so much Patty Ann, sometimes it’s the simple ones that touch us deeply. You are always a bright spot for me. much luv to you and yours!

  2. I’ve had two late miscarriages; my heart goes out to you. There aren’t words to say that are comforting enough. The miscarriages were some of the most difficult times of my life for sure, but the growth that came was and is remarkable.

    Give yourself time to grieve, and be patient as it tends to wash over you as ocean waves at unexpected times. I will remember you in prayer, and bring you some soup if you send me your address.

    • You are wonderful Stacy. thx so much for thinking of me. I’m looking forward to the growth…thx for your love and inspiration! xo

  3. I’m so sorry Katrina. I didn’t know you had a miscarriage until I read this post. But thank you for sharing, you put everything so beautifully. I know how painful it is. I had a miscarriage after my third child as well. It is very difficult and something that time will help to heal, although, your heart will never forget. Thank you again for such inspiring words. You and your husband are such wonderful people! Lots of love and hugs–Ondalynn

    • luv you Ondy, so sorry that we share the sad third together, grateful for your friendship…we’ve had so many fun, wild times together (I was thinking about our DI bus trip this week :), but thankful most to be there for each other when time are tough. xo

  4. Katrina,

    Your beautiful family is in my thoughts and prayers. The only advice I can give you is allow yourself time to grieve and heal. It will come day by day, moment by moment. Thanks you for sharing your joys and struggles with us. I have smiled, laughed, cried, and been touched by family.

    Katrina Brush

  5. Katrina, I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. I know the Lord has many blessings in store for you, and tender mercies through this time. You’ll be in my prayers! Much love to you all.

    • thx so much lady, the joy you’re feeling right now gives me so much hope. thx my beautiful friend. xo

  6. Pingback: talking about twins round the table | the daily delights

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