{a preface of sorts: I am recovering from the mastitis I woke with Sunday morning…this is one of those posts for my fellow momma friends to laugh at, thank their lucky stars that they are a wiser momma, or to realize that they are not alone in the rewarding, yet challenging task of motherhood…or it is for my siblings and parents-to-be friends – to shed some light on possibilities that may lie ahead!  :)}

It is a good life.  A very good life.  I love it.  And I love my kiddos. 

Motherhood has been challenging but oh so wonderful.  One child was good.  Real good.  A new challenge, but not really that hard.  It was good…so good in fact, that I was ready for another when the builder was 6 months.  Even two kiddos, though challenging at times…was wonderful, manageable, and oh so much fun. 

But for some reason…perhaps it is that they are so close in age…or that they are 3 kiddos, 4 years and under…or it is their innate personalities…more than likely, it is the imperfections of their momma…three has been hard…perhaps I need an extra hand (two is never enough)…definitely a brain buster! 

Don’t get me wrong…they do wonderful lovely things each day: the builder is my mop expert, the dancer loves to help with the laundry, and the explorer is so sweet with his kisses for thank yous when he is not intent cooking in the kitchen or emptying my dishwasher.  (Still wonderful, oodles of fun in all of it’s intensity, but at times: hard.)

So I give up. 

Not on life.

Not on motherhood.

No…just on going to the Library with all three kiddos.

It is a decision I’ve been contemplating.  I’ve tried my best.  Had preparatory talks the 10 or so minutes each morning before our arrival.  I’ve tried to wear my wisest hat or my patience cap….but I am ready to admit it:

It is too hard to do Story Time, let alone a normal visit to the Library with my 4, 3 and 1 year old!

I didn’t want to admit it.  I wanted to figure out a way. 

“I am a mother,” I would tell myself…”Mothers are amazing…they can do anything.”

But like all mothers.  I have reached my limit.  It is too great a task for now.  I feel bad taking away something that they love so much.  But it is just too hard.  Perhaps we go on sabbatical for a few months until we have all matured a bit more (me included).  Then we can try again.  Till then I think we’ll keep going to museums, gardens, and field trips of all sorts.

Like I said.  It has been coming.  It seems like every time we go to the Library there is a disaster or a series of disasters that I cannot avoid or plan for. 

The kiddos love to be independent.  Independent of each other as well.  They love to explore alone outside of our home.  Usually I can keep up with this, but when there are large crowds of kiddos and mommas everywhere…its just hard to see them. 

A few weeks ago, the explorer had finished playing with the toys, pulling as many books as he could from the shelves, and was done with me holding him.  (Did I mention that he is also done with the stroller at the Library?  He is so comfortable there that he thinks it is like home.)  I couldn’t possibly hold him while I was pulling out books, fiddling for my library card, and packing the books into our bag.  I put him down. 

He was satisfied.  In the two minutes it took to check out, he had managed to get out of the children’s section, out of the library, and out the front door.  Yes, that was me…frantically looking for my wandering baby.  Asking friends if they had seen them…and then a lady came back into the library with him in hand.  She wanted to know whose he was.  I thanked her and assured her that it only takes a minute…that he is too fast.  She thought I was crazy. 

And there was last week:  we were there on a Tuesday (non-story-time day).  Everything was done quickly and smoothly and the kiddos were happily waiting for me to go when we tried to leave and set off all the alarms. 

The librarian needed to see our receipt to see which books had cleared and which had not.  The dancer is in love with receipts.  She would not let us see it.  I pleaded.  Nothing.  Never demand something of the kiddos…just not wise.  Careful explanation for non-traditional actions is always needed.  As I tried to convince her that momma needed the receipt.  The boys began tearing through the library.  The explorer was trying to escape, the builder on his heels.  They were loud. 

Finally the librarian saw my desperate state and began reprinting my receipt.  But it was too late.  I asked the kiddos to sit quietly for I couldn’t watch them all over the library.  But they were having too much fun.

On our way home that day I cried as I drove and explained that, “momma can’t check out books when they are not listening and obeying.”  I told them I was afraid we couldn’t go to the library together if we couldn’t listen and obey.  They seemed to understand.

Yesterday, as we were driving again to the library we chatted about all the things that have ever gone wrong at the library before.  We went over expectations.  But as I learned long ago…sometimes you just can’t plan enough.

The first session seemed to go fine.  We missed most of it but were happy to do the craft.  Thankfully the builder and dancer chose to do their craft at the same table (this is not always the case).  The explorer, however picked up a large pair of scissors and when I tried to trade him for some paper leaves, he would not have it.  So I traded him for some kid scissors.  It seemed to solve the problem for the time being.  Though it was hard to keep an eye on him wandering and climbing on everything and everyone. 

The dancer had a hard time every time a little person took her “leaf wreath” she was working on….or that “got in her way.”  But it was too much for me to protect her wreath from toddlers and keep an eye out on the explorer and his small scissors.  See she is a focused creative soul who does not like interruptions while she is happily creating.  I think she gets that from her mom…

A thoughtful mother tried to take the scissors away from the explorer.  She looked up at me and said, “You don’t want him to have these do you?”  Well, no, I don’t, yet it wasn’t the battle I was going for at the moment…I’m just trying to help the other two finish their crafts so that I could find something else to entertain the explorer.  I asked if her son was her first.  It was.  I explained that with three I am in survival mode.  She seemed to understand.

The builder’s glue wasn’t working, and he was being patient, but he needed more help than usual.  So I tried to find another.  When I returned 15 seconds later, another mom wanted to take away the scissors that the builder was carrying around.  Once again, I explained that I wasn’t worried about it, she seemed pacified, and went back to helping the older kiddos.

But a third concerned mother began lecturing me.  My assuring words that he was ok was not enough to suffice the woman who, “used to be a doctor.”  She went on to explain their danger and how she had seen a child in her office that had poked himself in the eye with them.

“Believe me,” I thought, “we don’t play with these at home, and I’m just doing the best that I can, but if you take them away you’ll hear screaming, and see a royal fit…and that might be when you see the scissors fly and become dangerous.”

Thankfully, about this point, the builder and dancer finished their craft.  The builder ran along to listen to the second session of Story Time with our beloved Miss Sally.  The dancer was scared to go with him but was not wanting to wait while I tried to get the explorer to put the scissors back “himself,” which, btw, is the only way I know how to get him to give something up…unless you trade him…we have seen this every week at Music Together with Miss Kristi.

He willingly put away one pair of scissors but immediately picked up another.  After more coaxing I offered him some colored paper.  He accepted one for the other hand but wouldn’t trade it for his beloved scissors.  Finally I gave him a crayon (knowing of course, that it would end up in his mouth and most likely some part of it, in his belly…but this seemed better than the scissors and the busy and intent scissor monitors that were in abundance…no offense meant if you are one…I’m sure I was at one point in my life)!

We joined Story-Time…the dancer found a spot, but I couldn’t see the builder.  He was crying softly next to a book-case.  A mom came and told me that he hadn’t wanted a “D” placed on his shirt.  Of course I thought, this has happened before.  (Now this comes from my family I think…but he needs it to be “his idea”…and thus the story goes).  We solved that problem and we happily joined the other children and Miss Sally. 

But the explorer was not content, as he usually is, instead, he stood (something they aren’t supposed to do), and was intent on climbing on the fireplace (another no-no at story-time), even worse, he was getting under-toe of Miss Sally…and that was when we moved to the back and I got out the BabyHawk. (my fav baby carrier/wearer)

The dancer glanced behind and saw us standing in the back.  The explorer seemed okay for a little bit, but the story began and his patience was gone.  I moved and pointed out items of interest.  Then I thought of the mini board books in the children’s section.  The other kiddos were engaged, so I went and got a stack. 

I walked around the back of story time, passing books over my shoulder to the explorer.  Soon he had read them all.  Miss Sally was beginning a second story.  I went back for another stack.  That was when a cute mom (can’t remember her name) came and told me the dancer was crying. 

Yup, she was.  She had lost sight of me for a moment, sweet soul.  I took her and we chose a book and movie for her to check out.  Story-time was over.  We made it out of the library, with only one item setting off the alarm.  It was a nearly painless exit. 

But it was enough.  In the car, I didn’t cry this time.  Rather, I calmly admitted to the kiddos that momma will have to go to the library by herself for a while.  “Will you get books and movies for the kids?” asked the builder.  “Of course,” was my reply.  And they seem ok with it. 

Really?

Maybe its just me.

I think we’ll go to the art museum next week. 🙂

***have you ever had to give up something good in your life because it was just too hard?***